by Jenna | Aug 8, 2012 | Writing Articles
“Impostor syndrome” — the feeling that you are a fake or a fraud — usually goes along with a fear that people will find out you are not actually good at what you say can do. Or perhaps that you can’t do it at all.
Most of my clients and colleagues all mention feeling this way at one time or another. I have felt this way myself, in everything I’ve ever undertaken, including graduate school, urban design, coaching, and writing. The internal message runs something like, “I don’t know what I’m doing and someone is going to notice. I’ll be found out. They’ll know I’m a fraud.”
Is this for real?
Wikipedia describes impostor syndrome as a “psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments,” and that “despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.”
Apparently this feeling is most common among people (both men and women) who are highly intelligent and who are high achievers.
Isn’t this interesting?
The “impostor cycle”
I’ve read that impostor syndrome is not actually a psychological problem but rather a cultural phenomenon tied to learned behavioral patterns of high achievers who get caught in an “impostor cycle” of over-preparing and procrastination. To me, this reads like part of the formula for perfectionism too.
What can we do?
On the days when you feel like a fraud:
- Remind yourself of all the things you HAVE accomplished: The work you’ve done, the lives you’ve touched, the relationships you’ve built, and the experiences you’ve had. If it helps, make a list and keep it handy for an emergency.
- Remember to ratchet back your expectations to aiming for great work rather than pushing yourself past all reasonable human limits striving for perfection.
- Recognize that you’re probably feeling insecure because you’re venturing into new territory or wanting to reach for something bigger.
- Don’t let yourself go into hiding or hold yourself back — keep reaching for your dreams.
Warmly,
by Jenna | Aug 1, 2012 | Writing Articles
Last week I wrote a post called, “Stop buying stuff and do the work.” It resonated for more than a few people — and I had promised to write more about WHY we don’t do the work.
So why don’t we do the work?
First, an example.
For years (literally) I said I wanted to write, but I managed instead to fill my plate with training after training after training, and volunteer job after volunteer job. I studied with Coach For Life and Sonia Choquette, pursuing certifications with them. I started and ran organizations like the Sensitive Professionals Network, Six Sensory San Francisco, and a Coach For Life graduates forum, not to mention working as a youth leader with a youth group.
I read (and bought) countless books on coaching, intuitive development, angels, high sensitivity and so much more. Some of them I hardly even opened.
Then I spent more time, energy, and money on learning business skills and developing my message with several high business coaches, and completing hand analysis training.
And while I don’t regret what I was doing — after all, I have tremendously deepened my self-knowledge, grown as a person, learned a ton, and met wonderful people along the way, I was keeping myself so busy that I wasn’t pursuing my true dream of writing.
Throughout that time (and for years before it), I had a nagging feeling that I was “waiting for my life to start” and yet I wasn’t taking action to change anything. Instead I was filling my time doing all those other wonderful things.
And they were wonderful — but in hindsight, it was still resistance.
What’s that about?
It’s all too easy to think we are too busy, that we don’t have enough time. Or that we just need to get better organized. Or just get this one more thing done first.
And the thing is, we feel good that we are contributing great things to the world and our community and that we are learning so much.
And we are. We do.
ALL of these things are true.
We are not bad people after all, we have good intentions and we are interested in so many things.
But why does the one true dream always fall to the bottom of the pile? Why do we make choices that keep us from our dreams?
This is not a new answer
In my case — and I suspect it is true for many people if not most — it’s fear.
This is why we buy stuff we don’t need, keep ourselves too busy to think or connect inward to our deeper selves, procrastinate, spin in circles, get apathetic, and all those other things that add up to resistance.
Because it is scary.
Pursuing your truest, deepest dream is the most frightening thing imaginable — you might not even consciously recognize that you are afraid.
It’s your own hero’s journey
Pursuing your true dream — your art, writing, business, or passion — requires massive amounts of courage. It’s your own personal hero’s journey. Every single day you have to be willing to face down your personal demons, fight the resistance, and forge ahead.
It’s no wonder we want to avoid it, right? And we are so clever that we don’t even know that’s what we’re doing.
Time to clear the decks and answer the call to adventure. It’s waiting for you.
Warmly,
by Jenna | Jul 25, 2012 | Writing Articles
One of the biggest mistakes I see people making (and I do it myself) is buying and investing in various products, books, and services but never actually doing the work.
It’s tempting to think that if we just invest in X then we’ll automatically have Y.
It’s just like a gym membership — the only way to lose weight or get in shape is to actually go and workout. You can’t just pay for it, you have to use it.
Say and pray doesn’t fly
Even programs that are well designed to give you a regular, daily opportunity to participate, it doesn’t pay off to sign up and just “hope it works.” You actually have to do the work, make the hard choices, and face the difficult obstacles to get the results you want.
In our instant gratification society, we want to believe that there’s a single cure-all or an over-night remedy that will just fix everything while we sleep.
Doesn’t work like that, unfortunately.
And when we combine it with a culture where most of us feel broken and like we need to be cured, well, it’s not too hard to see we’ve got a problem.
Ways we do this
Here are some examples of the ways we do this:
- Enrolling in a gym but not using it.
- Buying books but not reading them.
- Going to healers but not doing the exercises or integration work they assign us.
- Taking classes but not implementing what we learn.
- Signing up for programs but not participating in them.
I’m guilty of all of these things. How about we make a pact right now to stop the madness?
The sad thing is that so many people are spending so much money on programs and training (I see it in the coaching world in particular, but it’s also true in writing, business, etc.) but never taking the time to integrate or even implement what they’ve learned. And sometimes before one class is over they’re already signed up for another one. Many people are in thousands and thousands of dollars in debt as a result.
Solutions
Here are a few ideas about how we can change this up:
- Ask yourself, “Is this truly important to me?” If the answer is yes, figure out how to make it happen. Your actions demonstrate your priorities. Period. Figure out a way to be all in. If the answer is no, let it go and move on.
- Make space for it: Something I learned from Miriam is to block off time in my schedule for learning. I love it.
- Look at the stockpiled “stuff” you’ve already invested in and make a clear decision about what you sincerely want to use. Let the rest go.
- Question whether or not you are truly ready to learn anything new right now. Consider your energy, bandwidth, and other commitments. Consider not signing up for or purchasing anything new unless it’s 100% in alignment with your highest priorities.
- If you don’t have the bandwidth but you want to take something on, be clear on what you’ll give up to make it happen. One of the biggest mistakes I see writers making, for example, is hoping they’ll have time to write instead of creating time for it. I see this with entrepreneurs, artists, and sensitives as well.
Bottom line
We’ve got to stop torturing ourselves by taking on more than we can handle. In a way, doing that is a form of resistance. Look to see what sacred priority is being forced to the bottom of the pile because of the choices you’re making. Is that okay with you?
Warmly,
by Jenna | Jul 4, 2012 | Writing Articles
I’ve got decision making on my mind.
Last week I wrote about how there’s always something that will get in the way of our dreams — if we let it. I’ve been hearing from a number of people that they just don’t have time to take action on their dream, whether it’s a business or a creative venture.
Another vein of excuses runs along the lines of not being ready, needing more training, or having to “get through” something first.
I’ve said all those things myself at one time or another.
The key to making a change is making a decision
A “Life Decision” as Dr. Phil calls it — a life changing, unalterable decision that you know you won’t go back on.
This is not the same as “trying.”
It’s not the same as “seeing how it goes.”
It means making an unequivocal decision to take a course of action because you are determined to make a change.
These aren’t decisions that come along frequently. They are LIFE decisions, after all.
Life decisions
Life decisions involve commitment to a way of being and a sense of identity, combined with taking powerful action.
Two examples:
1. When I quit smoking (I can’t believe I used to smoke either) I made a decision that I would never, ever smoke a cigarette again. I had been through too many instances of quitting and learned first hand that it was such a slippery slope for me that the only way to guarantee that I wouldn’t backslide was to vow never to do it again. I could feel the strength of that decision in my bones the moment I made it. That was in 1993. I haven’t smoked since and I never will.
2. When I founded my writing community and made a decision to think of myself as a writer, I also made a life decision. It’s not that I hadn’t been writing before — but this time I made a conscious choice to pursue writing like my life depended on it. To that end, I write 6 days a week, and I refuse to stop.
The power of decisions
I’ve seen the power of decisions first hand, particularly with my writing community members. Decisions change their lives. Those that make a decision to write and to use the system succeed. Those that sign up, but don’t make that decision — that soul-level commitment, don’t. The system can help motivate you, but it can’t make the decision for you.
The same is true with any diet, program, or system, isn’t it? The decision to get something out of it — to be all in — it’s yours, isn’t it?
On the subject of decisions
Chris Guillebeau recently wrote a great post about decisions that I think you’ll like — and make sure you also read his article about how NOT to make decisions, while you’re at it.
Warmly,
by Jenna | Jun 29, 2012 | Writing Articles
A lesson I’ve been talking about lately is that excuses are endless and there is ALWAYS something that will get in the way of fulfilling your calling — if you let it.
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard from who say they will pursue their big dream — but later…
When they have more time.
When they aren’t so busy.
When things settle back down.
After they file their taxes, or finish their remodel project, or …
After the kids die
Have you seen that joke about the couple who goes to get divorced in their 90s? When asked why they waited so long, they respond, “We had to wait until the kids died.”
It’s a great reminder of the way we fool ourselves into waiting.
News flash: This is it!
Unless something truly extreme is going on (you’re in the hospital, a close relative just died, you just had a baby, etc.), nothing is ever going to change. There will ALWAYS be something.
Even worse: you’re doing it to yourself.
The sooner you accept that and make time for your big dream, no matter what, the happier you are going to be.
It doesn’t have to be a lot
Don’t fool yourself about what it takes either. The brilliance of the writing community that we can translate for anyone — writer or not — is the power of incremental, cumulative progress. If you’re telling yourself that you’ve got to have big chunks of time to get your life’s work done, I say, bull shit.
All it takes is a little bit of time, every day.
In my writing community, I was thrilled to see one of the writers — who was writing for just 5 minutes a day — say that she believes in herself as a writer again.
You can have that too — if you’re willing to give it to yourself.
And I know you can.
What are you telling yourself about why you can’t take action on your big dream?
See that for what it is, and put your energy where your heart is.
It’s worth it.
