by Jenna | Nov 13, 2013 | Writing Articles
Last week I met with a group of 13 moms to talk about "Designing Your Writing Life as a Mom". I was struck by the disconnect many of the mothers were experiencing around their creative identity, which is something many writers struggle with, parents or not.
Observations about creative identity
Here's what I noticed about creative identity through talking with these moms and working with writers through my writing community. And certainly the question of creative identity is not specific to writers, either, it translates across all forms of creative expression.
- When you aren't owning your creative identity, you can feel out of step with yourself, like you neither belong here nor there. This is about not being in touch with a sense of thinking of yourself as a "writer" or an "artist" yet -- or ever. (Some people don't like labels of any kind, but that's not quite what we're talking about here.) It's about having a deep sense of inner rightness connected to how you think of your answer to the question, "Who am I?"
- Coming to terms with your identity as an artist or writer can require dealing with old expectations and limiting beliefs about what it means to be creative. Sometimes, I find that these thoughts and beliefs revolve around negative perceptions of creativity as flaky and ungrounded. Sometimes this can also mean letting go of expectations -- and previous self-incarnations -- of wild and prolific creativity, especially when faced with Real Life challenges (like parenting, care giving, careers, and day jobs).
- As a culture we tend to diminish or devalue writing and creativity, so sometimes we resist calling ourselves by those identities. We're afraid to be laughed at or seen as not being serious by our peers in "real" jobs.
- As a culture we tend to also exalt creative expression only for certain types of artists or writers (usually "talented" or "successful" in a certain way), and we feel ashamed to try to claim our creative identity "too soon." I see this a lot in the debate about when we can consider ourselves "real" writers. Do we have to be published first? Do we have to be paid first? Many writers, including me, feel that if we're writing regularly we can call ourselves writers. I see this showing up when people say, "I am a struggling writer" or "I am a wannabe writer."
- Going through a major life transition can challenge your creative identity, like motherhood, major loss, career change, or divorce. I imagine this challenge could come in a good sense -- helping us more fully claim our identities -- or in more challenging one, where we lose all sense of ourselves and can't seem to find our way back. Often this comes about when we make a transition from one career to another (even if it's from one creative career to another). When I became a coach and left my urban design work behind, it took a long time to feel like a coach. When I became a writer as well as a coach, it took another solid chunk of time to transition into seeing myself as a writer.
Identity challenges coming out of an MFA program
One thing that also struck me when I listened to the mothers the other day was about how many of them had been through MFA programs and then into motherhood and now weren't writing. I suspect there are a few components to that process. In the first place, an MFA program can be an extremely intense phase of writing time -- even binge-writing -- which can be quite exhausting and requires time to recover from. I can still remember how finishing graduate school myself felt like hitting a brick wall -- intense action followed by a sudden, total full stop that left me adrift, much in the way a rushing river spilling out into a lake or ocean suddenly loses its force.
There's also a major shift in community. One writer I interviewed about going through an MFA program said, "There is a sense of loss in leaving an MFA program. You're surrounded by people who really care about writing, and then when you leave, you need to find a way to get continued support for your writing, and it's not easy."
On top of that, while an MFA program can be about becoming a writer in a very real sense, the focus is primarily on craft, and not so much on developing a consistent writing practice. My interviewee commented, "When I graduated, it was like I reentered the 'real world' and realized that, while I'd no doubt become a better writer, I hadn't developed consistent, sustainable writing habits, which was about learning a whole new skill." So it's easy to imagine that writers coming out of an intense program might suddenly feel at a loss about how to continue -- and even start to wonder who they are as their entire foundation changes.
Next time we'll talk more about how to reclaim your identity as an artist or writer if you've lost it or you're struggling to claim it.
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by Jenna | Nov 6, 2013 | Writing Articles
If you're a parent, having a regular writing routine takes on an additional layer of complexity -- especially in the early years. It's hard enough to handle being a parent (and even more so if you're ALSO highly sensitive or introverted as many writers are), and if you've got a career on top of it, it's easy to let writing take a back seat to the more pressing day-to-day demands.
The funny thing is that in some ways it's EASIER to design your writing life as a parent because it requires quite deliberate attention and focus, or it simply won't happen at all.
Many writers -- parents or not -- tend to dream of having long, uninterrupted blocks of time to write. What's fascinating to me about this dream is that 1) it often stops people from writing if they DON'T have it, and 2) it often stops people from writing if they DO have it.
For those you fondly cherishing the dream of long stretches of time to write you might be thinking, "What the heck is she talking about?"
But here's the thing. What we see quite consistently in the writing community is that writers who aren't writing regularly don't tend to benefit from having MORE time to write. If anything, they just tend to go into greater paralysis and procrastination.
Why on earth would something like this happen?
We've talked about this a lot here, but it's worth saying again. (And again.) Fear is why writing doesn't happen.
Big blocks of time simply INCREASE the pressure on writing. Which increases the fear. Which increases the resistance and procrastination. Entire days and weeks can go by and no writing happens.
Looking for big blocks of time is one of the fastest ways into paralysis I've seen.
So, writers, and particularly parent writers, let's just give up that fantasy for now, shall we? At least until your writing habit is so firmly ensconced in your daily routine that expanding your time won't send you into fits of terror. Or procrastination. (On a side note, that still happens even with the most experienced of writers, so don't worry too much if it crops up. Just find a way to get back to the writing as quickly as possible.)
The bottom line for all writers -- and particularly for parents -- is that creating some kind of routine around your writing is key. Reduce the variables, reduce the amount of time available, and create parameters around your writing so that it HAS TO GET DONE at a certain time or it won't get done at all.
The reason that this is easier for parents, in my opinion, is that it is actually TRUE. It isn't fabricated quite as artificially for non-parents. For writers who aren't parents, it's easier to tell ourselves we'll just write before bed or after work or some other random opportunity that comes along but often gets swallowed up by television or internet browsing. For parents, there's a cold hard reality that stares us right in the face. Those kids are coming home at a certain time and the chances of pulling off any kind of writing after that point in time are slim to none unless we have some kind of pre-arranged plan with our spouses or co-parents to make it happen.
For non-parent writers, particularly those entrepreneurial types who work from home (like me, pre-kid), it's SO MUCH HARDER to find something to "bump up against" in your schedule because so often your time is entirely self-directed. This is part of why we run so many writing sprints for my writing community -- it provides a scheduled opportunity to write for an hour that's both fixed in time and fun to participate in.
On the other hand, the challenges for parents can be trickier too. Honestly, I didn't even know what busy was until I had a child. I really thought I did. Truly! I was so wrong. Being a parent takes so much of my attention bandwidth and energy, I have to be exceedingly deliberate now about making time and energy available for writing too, in such a way that it doesn't feel like I'm taking it overly away from my son or from my work. A dicey balance to say the least.
Here are a few tips for parents -- that ultimately translate for all writers -- into a designing a writing life that works:
- Get clear about the assumptions you're making about writing. What are you telling yourself about what you need to write that might be getting in your way of actually doing the work? (See also my article about "Buts" here.)
- Get clear about WHY you want to write. What's important to you about it? For me, it has a lot to do with my identity that's totally separate from my role as a mother, and I firmly believe is part of what keeps me sane.
- Make a decision that writing for SOME amount of time is better than NO amount of time. Let go of the idea that writing for long blocks of time is the only way to do it. If you target 15 minutes a day, you can accomplish a tremendous amount of writing over time if you show up and do it consistently.
- Get out your calendar and take a both ruthless and creative approach to carving out the time to write. Think about when the kids are occupied or when you can talk your spouse into watching them for you. Give yourself the gift of protected, uninterrupted writing time, even if it's just for a few minutes a day.
- Be aware that IF you have any kind of resistance to writing or tendencies to procrastinate (this is most of us!) it's easiest to write first thing in the morning before you have time to think about it or talk yourself out of it. For a few months I tried writing every day after I dropped my son off at preschool but found that because it felt like "work time" I had a hard time focusing on writing. So I started getting up at 6 a.m. to write everyday -- and knew that I had to be done by 7 a.m. when my husband would leave for work -- so I had to get it done then. It changed my life. (See my articles about writing early in the morning here and here.)
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by Jenna | Oct 30, 2013 | Writing Articles
One of my all time favorite quotes about writing comes from Steven Pressfield, author of what has become my bible for writing, The War of Art*. In it, he says:
"There's a secret that real writers know that wannabe writers don't, and the secret is this: It's not the writing part that's hard. What's hard is sitting down to write. What keeps us from sitting down is Resistance."
As a writing habit and motivation coach, I work with writers all over the world who face and tackle this resistance every single day as they struggle to sit down to write. Very often that resistance takes the form of the word "But".
- But I don't have enough time.
- But I don't have enough training.
- But I don't know what to write.
- But I'm not inspired.
- But I'm not a good enough writer.
- But I'm not in the right mood.
- But I need to take care of all these other tasks first.
- But I'm not making enough money yet to justify taking time to write.
- But I don't have a laptop.
- But I'm tired, I didn't get enough sleep last night.
- But I'm too busy.
- But my day job takes up too much of my time.
- But I don't have a private space.
- But my kids will interrupt me.
- But my mom might call and need me.
- But I'm bored with this project.
- But I can't decide which project to start with.
- But I'm stuck.
- But I have writer's block.
- But if I was a real writer, it would come easily to me.
- But I have to deal with this crisis/emergency/major life issue first.
Guess what?
All these Buts are just stories. They are coming up for a deeper reason.
The deeper reason is fear.
Fear is what truly stops us from writing. The Buts are just the surface level rationalizations for fear. They are convenient excuses to keep your butt out of your chair and doing other things so you don't have to face the discomfort of taking on your dream.
Pressfield also says:
"Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second, we can turn the tables on Resistance. This second, we can sit down and do our work."
It turns out that actually DOING the writing is fairly easy. Most of the writers I work with find that once they are actually putting words on the page, they forget about the inner struggle and just do the work. In my writing community we run five weekly group writing sprints to help our writers overcome the resistance to sitting down to write (and to curtail the sense of isolation). My other favorite trick is to write first thing in the morning with a timer running. Pushing the start button gives me a "GO" that gets me into gear even when the Buts are loud and pernicious.
The thing to notice here is that fear is a beacon. It guides you exactly where you need to and even want to go, though you may not be aware of that wanting yet. The thing is, if it wasn't a big, big dream, you wouldn't be afraid of it.
No, I'm not talking here about naturally protective fear that keeps you safe from lions, tigers, and bears -- that's GOOD fear -- I'm talking about the kind of fear that's a holdover from when you were a kid, the kind that's trying to keep you safe from any kind of personal humiliation or risk. This is also the kind of fear that's keeping you "safe" from achieving your dreams.
I didn't quite mean for this to become an ode to Steven Pressfield, but he has so much genius on this subject I can't help sharing a few more of my favorite quotes from him about fear:
"Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it."
And:
"Figure out what scares you the most and do that first."
So it's time.
It's time to stop listening to the Buts, the fears, the doubts, and the rationalizations. It's time to site down and do the work, to coax yourself through the fear with lots of support and promises of rewards, to feed your own well of creative inspiration so you feel consistently nourished and ready to write, and to learn whatever you need to learn so you feel equipped to do the writing. But above all else, it's time to write.
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by Jenna | Oct 25, 2013 | Science Fiction, ScriptMag Articles
Here's my latest article over on ScriptMag, about movies with a message.
One of the primary reasons I love sci-fi is that it provides a powerful vehicle for exploring social issues that might otherwise be too politically incorrect to tackle head on. I cut my sci-fi teeth watching Star Trek, which is known for its many messages and moral explorations, and I’m quite sure that it… [read more at ScriptMag]
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay
by Jenna | Oct 23, 2013 | Guest Posts
Many people have unfinished writing projects that linger for years, but it's never too late to finish your book. And the time to get restarted might just be now.
I reached out to Terri Fedonczak, a long time writing community member, to talk to us about her experience finishing a long-time writing project after 15 years of dreaming and what that's been like for her. Terri has been such a great participant and gotten so much out of the writing community that I recently invited her to join us as a coach for one of our coaching groups on the site.
Read on to find out about Terri's extremely inspiring project for parents (I've seen a preview and it's terrific!) and how she conquered her writer's isolation and resistance with the help of the writing community and saw her book all the way through to done.
Terri, welcome and thanks for being here. First, let's talk about your accomplishment -- finishing your parenting book! What was that like for you?
Thanks for having me, Jenna! When I finished my first draft, it was the culmination of a dream I have had for fifteen years. I remember telling my niece about how I wanted to write a parenting book and discussing topics with her; this was in 1996. When I actually finished my first draft, I thought there would be angels singing . . . not so much! What I didn’t realize was the time involved in the editing process -- there's always more!
How long had you been working on the book prior to joining the writing community?
I spent fifteen years working on the first draft, but I had been jotting down ideas in my journal for ten years before that. In the ensuing years, I wrote little snippets in journals and spoke ideas into my portable tape recorder.
You actually finished a rough draft of the book after you first joined the writing community in 2011, is that right?
Yes, my first session of the writing community was spent culling all the bits and recordings into a little 60 page book.
Then what happened that led you to completing this new draft?
I interviewed three different editors, and picked Darla Bruno. She read through my first draft and suggested that the book wanted to be more. I hadn’t put my life into the book or any coaching tools. So, I took the challenge and spent the next year or so rewriting it. The completed book is 214 pages, and it’s everything I envisioned back in 1996!
What can you tell us about yourself and about the focus of the book?
I'm the mother of four daughters: three biological and one bonus girl that came to live with us in 2010. I'm a breast cancer survivor; I mention it, because it changed the course of my life. I left my fifteen-year commercial real estate practice to become a Certified Martha Beck Life Coach, writer, and speaker. Breast cancer changed my priorities completely; the threat of losing my life awakened me to the importance of living my right life.
The title of the book is Field Guide to Plugged-in Parenting, Even if You Were Raised by Wolves. It answers the question of how to be a good parent if you have no role models -- you know you don't want to replay your childhood, but you are lost as to an alternative. It's a compilation of all the parenting and coaching tools I have used successfully with my kids, with some humor thrown in to lighten the load. I walk you through a process to create your own parenting plan, so that your kids will be starting with an infinitely better foundation, thereby ending the wolf-baby cycle forever. Wolf babies is a term I coined to describe those of us who were raised by wolves and suffer from lack-based thinking as a result.
How did you find out about the writing community and what inspired you to join us?
Jill Winski was in my life coach training class, and she put out an ad for the writing community on our Facebook page. I saw it and knew that I needed help with making my book a reality. It felt like divine guidance . . . and it was.
What have you learned about your writing process from participating in the writing community?
I’ve learned that there is no magic pill, place, or instrument that delivers a quality product. All it takes is complete honesty, utter vulnerability, and a daily practice of showing up to the page . . . no big whoop!
What were the biggest challenges you faced before joining the writing community? Have they changed? What's different now about your writing habit?
I think the biggest challenge I faced was the feeling that I was all alone in my desire to write a book. I knew I had an important message, I just didn’t understand how to deliver it. With the writing community for support and accountability, my biggest challenge now is the acceptance that I am a writer. It’s not a fluke or a pipe-dream; I wrote a book, ipso facto, I’m a writer! The biggest difference in my writing habit is that I’m no longer plagued with resistance, so I write every day. Some days it’s just 20 minutes of morning pages in my journal, and some days it’s three hours working on a blog post or outline for the new book . . . but I write every day.
What advice do you have for other writers?
First of all, join the writing community! It’s the best way to incorporate writing into your daily life. Secondly, write every day, even if it’s just 15 minutes in your journal. While your logical mind is busy watching your hand move across the paper, the most delightful tidbits will rise up from your creative mind. When one pops up that excites you, expand it . . . like you're telling your favorite friend a story. You don’t need anything other than a pen, paper, and a bit of quiet time to awaken your creative side . . . and then you’re off to the races!
What’s next for you and your writing?
I’m developing a program that I will be delivering to incoming 9th grade girls called, “Field Guide to the Wilds of High School.” I developed the program while on safari in Africa (jeesh, that sounds so hoity-toity), and it’s based on the power of the pride. I watched the way the lionesses took care of the pride, and how their raw feminine power ran their world. It reminded me of what’s missing in Girl World. So I’m taking the program into schools this summer, and then I will turn the results into a book for teens and a corresponding book for parents on how to survive high school.
Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?
I believe that everyone has a creative person living within them, and that creative energy can turn drudgery into joy. Find some way to nurture your creative side, and your life will blossom in endless and unexpected ways…or at least that’s what happened to me.
About Terri
Terri Fedonczak has 22 years of parenting experience and is a certified life coach, specializing in parent and teen coaching. After 16 years as a commercial real estate agent, a bout with breast cancer transformed Terri’s life in 2010, making her realize that time with her four girls and patient husband was a much better deal than money and status. It was time to put her mission into action. She left sales and embarked on a journey of spreading the message of girl power for good. When Terri is not writing books, speaking, coaching, or blogging, you can find her paddle boarding on the sparkling waters of Boggy Bayou, knitting to the consternation of her children, who are buried in scarves and hats, or dancing in her kitchen to Motown.
You can follow Terri online at https://www.girlpowerforgood.com/ and on Facebook here. Look for Terri's Field Guide to be published in January 2014!
